Tuesday, 18 January 2011

Birth envy

The TV series 'One Born Every Minute' is back on air again. I don't know why I like to watch it as every week I end up crying, mostly happy tears though, and end up with a feeling of general unhappiness. I know this is because each episode there is at least one example of a perfect birth. This makes me jealous, because my planned water birth all went to pot and I ended up having Poppy via a traumatic intervention. In this week's show there was a 22 year old who had her child in the birthing pool, using only gas and air, all very calm and natural and controlled. That's the experience I wanted. I was even in the damn pool for bloody ages.
I wonder if I'll ever get over this and just accept what will be, will be. That I wasn't destined to have Poppy in that way and in no way was it my fault or anything that I did or didn't do. That's the logical reasoning and what everyone tells me, but I still don't really accept it. Last week there was a woman who screamed the ward down, didn't push properly as she was making so much noise, and the midwives still told her she did a good job. If they can tell her that, thinking back to hearing those words from my midwife makes me think that they say that to everyone and it doesn't actually mean anything.

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