Today's ballet class was another bad experience. I did just type 'waste of time' but deleted it. It wasn't a complete waste as it passed a couple of hours driving and spending 35 minutes being cried at, climbed on, hit, and tantrum-ed too. The clinginess that has been a feature since the chicken pox manifested hugely today, with her refusing to let me sit down on the floor. I had to be standing with her in my arms. Which really hurts my back, hips, wrists and hands after anything more than 5 minutes. And resulted in a tantrum when I began to refuse due to the pain. Another mother there even asked sympathetically "Aw, is she tired? Or just doesn't want to do it?" To which I snapped back (poor woman getting in the midst of me battling with my demon child) "No, she's like this all the time!" I think she got the general idea of my mood and didn't speak to me again.
By the time I got back to the car, after yet another tantrum when she wouldn't hold my hand near the road and therefore had to carried kicking and screaming, I breathed a sigh of relief and shed a few tears. I no longer care what other people think of me, Poppy, or my (in)ability to parent her. That's not what gets me down, riles me, frustrates me, brings tears to my eyes and a heaviness to my heart. It's how everyone else's child acts normally. Even if they are a little shy or don't want to join in, they sit quietly on a lap or outside the circle. They don't scream at or hit their parent for sitting down, throw a maraca across the floor then have a hissy fit when an innnocent toddler picks it up for a little shake, shout "no, no, no, no...etc" over and over again when their parent is dancing and joining in with the fun and music.
Is there any point in carrying on? Who am I doing this for, her or me? Or us?
Will it get any better?
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You're not the only one hun. I've entirely stopped going to my baby group now, I don't need a weekly dose of walking-home-in-tears when we can just stay here and battle in private.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how I managed not to cry at Tumblies, I certainly felt like it, and I remembered all too clearly why we stopped going to Water Babies and how easy it was to hide tears in a swimming pool.
They're both wilful and strong .... maybe that just means they'll have less mental health problems than us when they grow up eh?
Hugs xxxx
Oh no you should have said something at the time, either Cat or me would have stepped in if it would have helped. Don't worry about him joining in the circle time bit, leave him carry on running about if that's what he wants. You're paying for it after all, it's not school!
ReplyDeleteThey both certainly know their own minds, future important people in the making perhaps. Prime Minister or a rich business person. As long as they remember the stories we'll tell them of the torture they put us thru and share the wealth all will be forgiven...
Big hug back to you, have a good week x x