3 months on..

Wow. 3 and a half months ago was my last post. Just before I returned to work after having a prolonged period of sick leave due to the arthritis. And here I am again, off on sick leave due to the arthritis. And feeling very annoyed and frustrated that the treatment that seemed to have finally kicked in has begun to stop working, and that my long-awaited consultant appointment STILL has not dropped through the letterbox.

So what's been happening since I last posted? A brief rundown of the highlights that spring to mind are (not necessarily in date order, just in a random order of how my mind works):

- Poppy turning 2 in April. Celebrated by a day at home playing with new toys, some time with just the three of us and lunch by the seafront, followed by a family meal involving more presents and 3 renditions of 'Happy Birthday' and candle blowing-out. Good times. A party at the local family center followed on the saturday which was a huge success and once again surprised and delighted us with our friends generosity after all the wonderful gifts she received. Thanks to you all.

- Finally feeling like I was back on form at work, clinical-skills wise and professionally. Long may it continue once this (hopefully short) break is over.

- Lots of lovely weekends enjoying the unseasonally warm spring weather by spending many hours outside. Thanks to birthday gifts of a playhouse, new big-girl slide and sandpit Poppy is content to while away the time in her wellies and a coat no matter how cold it is, usually with bare feet even if it is really not warm enough for it. She seems to be an outdoor person, happiest pottering around digging up treasures in the sand or lying prostrate on her belly examining and decimating the ant population of the garden.

- Family time over Easter and the Royal Wedding bank holidays with hubby's relatives in Somerset. Again thanks to the weather this even involved a paddling pool and ice-cream, picnics and sunbathing.

- A spa day courtesy of Poppy/Hubby for Mother's Day. Nothing much more to say other than 'Ahhhhh...and relax..'

- Hiring in a cleaner. This is a bittersweet highlight as while most women would, in theory, love to give over those dreaded household chores to someone else, in my case it is because I am unable to keep up with said chores thanks to my illness. We produce a surprising amount of washing and ironing for only two adults and one child, which hubby manages to keep in check thanks to me having wrists too painful to lift the iron; however with his shifts and me working almost full-time too our house mostly seems to consist of mucky carpets, dust and a grimy bathroom. All of the time. We literally only have the time to give a quick clean if we have guests to stay. I know a lot of working families are in the same boat but we are lucky enough to be able to afford to pay for some help, and are fed up of the battle, so we thought why not?

- Acceptance (to some degree) that we are unlikely to have another child in the near future. This is quite a big one, as after strenuously protesting against ever having to give birth again for at least a year after I had Poppy, I had mellowed to the idea. Then wham! the arthritis was diagnosed. And the yucky nasty medication I am on means that if I accidentally got pregnant then it would have to be terminated or be born very severely malformed. Now, after the brief respite of relatively good health, it looks like more medication is to be added to the cocktail; this would complicate matters in withdrawing my treatment in order to get pregnant and the chances of me becoming very unwell whilst TTC are high because I would be meds-free. Therefore, while this has been a difficult one to come to terms with I feel that I am slowly getting there. The intense flares of jealousy that I felt when another friend announced she was pregnant again are now presenting as little aches in my chest instead.

- Poppy turning into a real, live, proper Little Girl. She is so adorable, loveable, beautiful, full of life, spirited, determined, opinionated, chatty, bossy, wicked, energetic. The new photo banner for this blog is of her at her birthday party, upside down in the bouncy castle, having the time of her life with her cousins and friends. This year's party was so different. She didn't need or look for me or hubby for the whole 2 hours. She's her own little person, content in the safe world we have created for her, happy surrounded by the family she knows and loves.

- A Day Out With Thomas at the Gwili railway. Lots of fun with Poppy having her first ever ride on a train, spending the day with a friend and her family and Poppy's little mate E. Being thankful that I have friends to rely on for support and help when hubby is at work and I want a day out, but can't manage it alone.

I think that's enough of my random recollections for now. Back to the job that I can manage to do sat down at the laptop - selling our unwanted junk on Ebay. That is now including some of Poppy's clothes which before now have all been safely squirrelled away in the loft 'just in case'. You see? Acceptance in its purest form.

Hello, hello, How are you?

In the words of Justin/Mr Tumble from 'Something Special', a kids tv programme that is the only thing that keeps Poppy quiet when agitated. And what she asks for after her bath every single evening by signing 'J' for Justin and saying 'Mumble?' So cute.

Can't believe its been almost a month since my last post. Time is flying by even though I'm not back at work. Have been off almost 7 weeks now. 7 weeks! And still not ready to go back, I'm so stiff and painful. Had a 24 hour sickness bug this week which meant and I couldn't eat, and therefore couldn't take my anti-inflammatories. Oh the pain. I didn't think that they did much, but oh boy, when they're not in my system I can feel the difference.

The rheumatologist started treatment when I saw him 2 weeks ago. But it can take 4-6 weeks to work and even up to 3 months. Luckily hubby has been off work too for a few weeks but he's going back this Saturday. So I think I'm going to have to take the steroids again else I won't be able to dress Poppy or change her nappy if she's anything other than completely compliant. Which these days is pretty unusual.

Reading an interesting parenting book at the moment - 'Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers'. It has a type of personality quiz for your child at the beginning, and after taking it Poppy is mostly a Spirited toddler. The description matches her completely. Just need to read the rest of the book now to find out ways of matching our parenting style to her, rather than trying to change her personality or beat her down to being someone she's not. On the plus side Spirited children are natural-born leaders. So who knows, maybe she'll be Prime Minister one day!

The Simple Life

It's funny how the little things in life can bring pleasure. Yesterday my day consisted of doing laundry - weather is gorgeous at the moment so managed to wash, dry and iron pretty much all of it. The satisfaction rating was pretty high. Today I've made blueberry muffins and banana scones, and have done a lot of baking recently. The process of measuring, weighing, sifting, mixing, stirring, rubbing in, the heat of the oven, soothes me. Yes it makes my hands and wrists ache more but brings me some peace. No noise around me, relaxing.

The Rheumatologist confirmed that I have some sort of undifferentiated poly-joint arthritis that will require treatment with medication. I have to reduce the steroids right down and see him again in 3 weeks, have some more blood tests and xrays, and will probably start it then. It could be a rough few weeks until the right dose is found for me and of course the side effects. Plus to have any more children I have to be off the meds for 3-6 months which will make it all flare up again, and as we had some trouble conceiving Poppy it may mean that I can't be off it long enough to get pregnant without becoming ill again. But I suppose all that is way off and I should concentrate on getting through the next 6 months.
He said also that as treatment is started earlier and more aggressively the joint deformities don't occur, which made me feel very relieved. I shouldn't have the stereotypical RA hands, as that happened 10-15 years ago to everyone when treatment wasn't as good.

Poor hubby has been signed off work with stress down to me being ill and his job not being any help whatsoever in accomodating his need to not work extra hours on top of his usual role. He's really struggling with the idea of being off work as neither of us are the type of people who go off sick willy nilly. We feel the guilt. I told him that give it a day or so and that'll pass, I always feel sick when I first phone in etc. Still can't decide what to do myself about going back, I've got to expect to get worse before I get better as I bring down the steroid dose. As hubby said, my current state is 'chemically induced'.

Confirmed anaemic

Blood test results confirmed that I am anaemic and one of the inflammatory markers is raised. Not enough blood was taken to give a result for the second marker so have to have more taken. Got iron tablets for the anaemia, although I had no idea that I was due a prescription as the Co-Op pharmacy van just dropped a bag off with the tablets in and a leaflet about iron supplements. Great communication from the GP's as usual.

Went back to see the GP again today, after the iron delivery, as when I woke up this morning due to Poppy waking for milk I couldn't make a fist or completely straighten my fingers as they were so swollen. This really worried me, thank goodness hubby was home to get up and sort her out for me. After giving me another blood form she said to go back to the original painkillers, and again warned me that sometimes they never know what's causing it and it goes away on its own. Not much help to me when I can hardly carry Poppy down the stairs or change her nappy.

Tough day so far

Due to lack of morning nap until gone 1030 Poppy has been evil this morning. It's one of those days when I don't feel strong enough to deal with it today, making it all seem ten times worse. Ended up yet again pinning her on her back with two hands to get her to give into sleep, after a failed attempt earlier in the morning. That can't be right, surely? How will anyone else get her to sleep, like when she starts nursery?? They probably will give up and she'll come home in a foul mood, I'll struggle to get any food into her BLW or nor, and generally have a horrible 2 hours with her until bedtime. Something to look forward to I suppose.

I tend to come on here and vent when thing's are hard & not really speak about the good things, but I guess that's just a way of me getting things out and not going mad. We did have a nice day yesterday, visiting my friend K and her newborn daughter P. Also joining us was a mutual friend, H, we havent all seen each other since last September and of course I hadn't met P before. A long drive to Swindon meant we got home at 6pm, so very tired last night! Also realised why I was in agony getting out of the car at home, had forgotten my painkiller in the morning so practically siezed up by then. But I soldiered on and did manage to get one side of the kitchen door painted, which i was pleased at as the damn thing has been hung 11 months without painting.

Anyways we went to PizzA Hut for lunch, where Poppy ate cheesy garlic bread, potato wedges and various bits I'd brought her. I had a yummy Caprino pizza which involved goats cheese, rocket, olives, thin crust. Heaven.

Got family visiting later until Sunday so hope I snap out of this mood a bit by then. Trying my best but I am finding it hard today.

Please sleep a bit later tomorrow...

After distracting her with some sweet potato cubes on her tray i managed to get a decent amount of dinner into her this evening. It may have helped that it was pasta in cheese sauce, with a bit of beef & aubergine hidden in it. Also had some raisins and banana after she started refusing the pasta. As she didn't kick up a fuss she was finished eating by 6pm, so thought i'd try giving her some milk before bed too as she's been waking so early for a bottle the past few days and also taking up to an hour to settle to sleep.

By the time ITNG finished after her bath (after her dinner seemed to work out ok last night so continuing with that atm) it was about 715pm so took her up to the nursery for the bottle, in the dark and quiet. It worked a dream, she took about 5-6oz and fell asleep on my lap. Bless her she's not done that on me since she was really little. It did only last a few seconds as the dog barked and woke her again, but that was fine as it meant she was awake being put down. After zipping up her sleeping bag and turning on her music I didn't hear a peep! Yay! It has been wonderful having an evening off from going up and down the stairs to shush her, or sitting alone upstairs with my book doing it as can't be bothered to keep climbing the stairs. And eating dinner earlier than 8pm was nice too, as we find it difficult to relax and enjoy our meal until she's settled, listening to crying is not exactly conducive to good digestion.

Daddy's at work until 5am tomorrow morning, so I'm hoping she a) doesnt get woken up by him coming in when she may have slept later, b) doesn't wake for a 5am bottle as then when he gets in we'll both get woken up again just as we're getting back to sleep. And yes we will get woken as the stupid dogs bark like there's someone murdering one of us when they can plainly see it's him coming through the door.

Is it too early to go to bed at 9 o'clock? I feel ancient these days, between the continued lack of sleep and daily stress of feeding, alongside the joint pains I've been having for months, my body feels about 60 not 28. Had repeat blood tests today before seeing GP again on monday, but I think she'll refer me to a Rheumatologist as the anti-inflammatories have done nothing. Would be so lovely to be able to have a full nights sleep without being woken up by pain in my shoulders or wrist, then the 5am starts would be more bearable.

Listen to me moaning on again, let's look for some positives:
- Poppy has been walking on your fingers since Wednesday and today has been flying up and down the room, can hardly keep up with her. Perhaps she won't crawl after all, despite being so close to it for weeks, and go straight to walking.
- Holding onto the bars of the closed babygate into the kitchen and watching the dogs go in and out of the dogflap, looking through it like she was in prison!
- Clearly signing 'more' to me after one mouthful of Weetabix at breakfast. And signing it all day for random things that make no sense for her to want more of, she must think that she gets whatever she wants if she does it, bless her.

Ok off to bed BUT will read for a bit. God I am getting old. At least then I'll be away from the temptation of eating any chocolate ;-)