You can't choose your family

But at the end of the day, would most of us actually change them? Yes, there are things about your parents and other family that drive you absolutely crazy. Why do they do that? Where did that habit come from? For example my Mum always finishes her sentences in an email with a question mark - each and every sentence even when it's not a question - and signs off with 'LOL'. What could be causing her to Laugh Out Loud as she types 'love from Mum', I ponder as I read the email. She's got the whole technology thing down now, it can't still be amusing to type and send an email like it was the t'Internet was all new and spangly. But if she didn't do it then it wouldn't be her, would it? No-one else I know does that, it's a completely unique quirk that is only hers. Only your Mum would worry about you, their child, enough to go on at your Dad that they need to put the house up for sale and move closer to you so that she could help out more, because you're ill and struggling with things. I hope that Poppy will come to realise, once the dreaded teenage years are behind us, that family isn't all that bad. I know it took me a long time to even contemplate the notion.

Hello, hello, How are you?

In the words of Justin/Mr Tumble from 'Something Special', a kids tv programme that is the only thing that keeps Poppy quiet when agitated. And what she asks for after her bath every single evening by signing 'J' for Justin and saying 'Mumble?' So cute.

Can't believe its been almost a month since my last post. Time is flying by even though I'm not back at work. Have been off almost 7 weeks now. 7 weeks! And still not ready to go back, I'm so stiff and painful. Had a 24 hour sickness bug this week which meant and I couldn't eat, and therefore couldn't take my anti-inflammatories. Oh the pain. I didn't think that they did much, but oh boy, when they're not in my system I can feel the difference.

The rheumatologist started treatment when I saw him 2 weeks ago. But it can take 4-6 weeks to work and even up to 3 months. Luckily hubby has been off work too for a few weeks but he's going back this Saturday. So I think I'm going to have to take the steroids again else I won't be able to dress Poppy or change her nappy if she's anything other than completely compliant. Which these days is pretty unusual.

Reading an interesting parenting book at the moment - 'Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers'. It has a type of personality quiz for your child at the beginning, and after taking it Poppy is mostly a Spirited toddler. The description matches her completely. Just need to read the rest of the book now to find out ways of matching our parenting style to her, rather than trying to change her personality or beat her down to being someone she's not. On the plus side Spirited children are natural-born leaders. So who knows, maybe she'll be Prime Minister one day!

Movie: The Reader

Watched the film 'The Reader' this evening. Not exactly heart-warming but quite thought provoking. How one person can have such a major impact on another's life, affecting decision they make and the way they behave and react to others. I know how much I am a product of my upbringing and how certain behaviours are ingrained in me without me even realising why I do certain things. Although I'd like to think that it also makes me a good person, that I was brought up to be kind and caring and always thinking of others, and that I will be able to instill these qualities in Poppy too. Just not the need to obsess over every little detail when it doesn't matter, or make her feel that anything less than perfection isn't good enough. It makes me thankful too that I have my hubby, who is the ying to my yang, the calm when I am the storm, the voice of reason when I am beyond thinking straight. 12 years together this year and it keeps getting better. I hope that Poppy is lucky enough to find someone who will look after her as well as he does for me.

Holiday has started

I will try harder to do my 100 words each day I promise. I've been rubbish since I decided it the other day!

Today was my last day at work for 2 and a half weeks. Strangely I didn't feel excited and have been in a pretty crappy mood all day as once again Poppy is waking at 530am and refusing to go back to sleep. And once again moaning and crying for the 3 hours until we leave the house because she's so tired. I thought we'd moved passed that phase as she started taking a bottle and going back for an hour or more, the past three days it hasn't worked and I'm tired out again. And tired of the whinging. Maybe it hasn't sunk in yet that I'm off. Or perhaps the thought of having no break from the difficult part of parenthood is making a small part of me wish that I wasn't off work. That probably makes me sound like a bad parent, I'm sure there are others out there that have that thought occasionally. And the certainty that their chid prefers being at nursery than at home.

Terrifying Tantrums

This morning before work was the WORST ever morning. I am still feeling completely incompetent and emotionally wrecked. Poppy woke at 620am, late for her as you'll know if you read this regularly, so I decided to get her up and give her a bottle downstairs rather than putting her back to bed after it. I don't know if this was the reason, if she was hungry after her milk, or just being a total cow, but from then on she tantrum-ed for 2 hours until we left the house. And I mean this new, extreme, eye-wateringly loud kind of tantrum she's developed. All I was trying to do was have a wash in the bathroom so I put her down on the floor, like I do each morning; today it resulted in a spectacular display of anger and frustration, seen as her throwing herself onto her front and screaming at the top of her lungs, arms and legs going rigid and throwing her head back. Poor hubby was trying to sleep before going into an afternoon shift, but could only withstand his natural curiosity for so long before coming to see just what the fuck what going on.

And that was just one of the many she had in that 2 hour period. I went into work feeling the worst I've felt for a good while, that pressurised & trapped feeling back in my very core. Wondering how I ended up with such a horrible child. If she will ever stop this melodramatic behaviour. Maybe she's just not very nice and will always be like this. I don't want to dislike my offspring, it goes against the natural order of things. Even a colleague asking if I was ok, I wasn't my normal self today, brought me close to tears as it meant that the facade I was usually pretty good at maintaining when I feel crap was too much to keep up.

There's only one solution to this dreadful day. A glass of cold white wine.

Sex and The City 2

Just been to see it with some friends. And although it is hilariously funny and very fashionable, I still cried a little tear. There is this one scene where Charlotte and Miranda are discussing the lesser-spoken-of side to being a mother. Charlotte needs some serious encouragement to admit that it is bloody hard work and sometimes she can't handle it, alongside some cocktail drinking (of course - this IS SATC). Miranda just listened to what she said and agreed with how she felt, didn't judge her, and gave her alcohol.

It made me realise that everyone feels the same way as me at some point or another, even if on the outside they are maintaining this facade that their life is perfect and parenthood is a breeze. And it made me immensely grateful for the Mummy friends I have met that say it how it is and don't bullshit about how their child can be. You know who you are guys...love you loads...Oh and we seriously need a night where we all drink cocktails and say it how it is ;-)

Happy Mother's Day to all the mummies

Had a lovely present from Poppy (Hubby) for Mother's day - a day at the local spa. Includes a choice of a massage or a facial and the use of the spa facilities. Ah I can see a relaxing few hours ahead sometime in the next few weeks..

My miserable mood was still present a bit this morning, but I managed to get myself out of it pretty quickly thank goodness. Had lunch out with my family which was lovely, apart from my hubby not being able to be there as he was nights last night. Poppy ate loads and made everyone laugh with her eating, don't think many people have seen a baby who eats everything with their hands.

Just watching Jo Frost Extreme Parenting from last week. There's one RIDICULOUS teenager - 13 - who is allowed to dress up like a ho and try to get into clubs. THIRTEEN. Don't think I even knew about nightclubs when I was that age. The outfits she's got are practically non-existent! I somehow don't think Poppy will be going down that route. Her Daddy already jokes about making sure all his colleagues know what she looks like in case she sneaks out to town.

Viewed the Water Babies photo's today after lunch. Was disappointed really, was expecting to have the perfect photo a la the promotional shots off the website, and to have loads to choose from. We only had 5 and of those 3 had her with one hand out of shot, and the one's with her central in the shot she had a face like she was shitting herself! We did manage to decide on one to have a 20x16 of though, and to get the 6x4 proofs for free there was a minimum £200 order, so also chose two to have as 10x8 of which we had one free. Thank goodness we had some money towards it from xmas we had as gifts for her.

Lunchtime disaster

Poppy has been in a good mood all morning, went to visit my Gran and she was fine. Got home in time for lunch, cooked some filled pasta for her to try - it's a finger food right? I even put half of it in the previously mentioned vegetable/tomato sauce and left half plain as not sure which she'd like. Also got some cheese cubes for her.
Sat her in highchair and placed a piece of each pasta and two cheese cubes on the tray. She went straight for the cheese, unsurprisingly, as she knew what it was. After that (I'm pretending to be busy at this point in the living room but am really watching like a hawk) she picked up the plain pasta. Didnt like the look of it so picked up sauced pasta. Threw it on the floor. Fair enough, different texture etc. Picked up another piece i'd put on the tray, squished it in her fingers and put it to her mouth. Success! I thought. But that was pretty much it, she ate about half of it and then decided she'd start the "pull off my bib" battle we occasionally have. She'd got as far as getting one arm out the the sleeve, with me telling her "no" over and over and her looking at me and pulling harder, when my temper went and I started shouting it..doesnt help i know but my patience is already thin at mealtimes and that's when she's being good (ish). Thought, right sod you and went to heat up a puree. After one mouthful of that she started spitting it out as soon as it touched her toungue.

Gave up at this point before I either stabbed myself in the eye with her baby spoon or left her to cry it out in the highchair, getting more and more covered in sauce that was on her hands and now in her ears and hair. Ripped off the bib, wiped her face and hands, and left her to her toys on the floor while I tried not to cry in the kitchen. Once again saved by a hot cup of sweet tea hiding from her out there, as when she sights me she cries (just to boost my fragile grip on motherhood ).

She must have been hungry. Ate weetabix at 815am and one rice cake at about 11am at my grans. Lunch was about 12ish. it's all very well the HV saying "just let her get stuck in with her hands" when she won't try anything we put in front of her that she doesnt already know what it is.

I know I'm not the only one going through this through various other mum's status updates and Netmums postings, but that is little comfort when you're seething with anger and frustration at your 10 month old.

Nightmare morning and its only 930

This follows on from a nightmare evening last night when Poppy refused to eat any supper without it being forced down her, then took an hour to go to sleep. Now after all that fussing you'd think exhaustion would keep her asleep until at least 6am.
505am she started crying, and i mean full on bawling. Couldnt comfort her so went to make up a bottle. She took the whole thing without stopping and went back down to sleep until gone 7am.

From then though she's pretty much moaned or cried with every breath until after over half an hour of fighting she's finally gone to sleep again. Breakfast was a no-no, even weetabix which she normally likes, then proper tears at wash and dress time.

What the hell are we doing wrong? Been wracking my brains for a solution by changing her feeding schedule around a bit so she'll eat more before bed, do we start the controlled crying technique at bedtime instead of staying in the nursery to settle her, what else can i do to get her to eat more? Whoever reassured me that it gets easier when they get past 3 months old was a big fat lier.

Thank god for cups of tea. I can tell I'm getting older as when i'm stressed i crave a nice hot, sweet cup. That's what I'm drinking now as i type this. I did briefly consider a nice sweet choccie biscuit to go with it as i sat down, but as my tummy is looking particularly flat today i dont want to spoil it.

I did go to that baby group yesterday and ended up being glad i went. Didnt leave until almost 12 o'clock and as she was pretty much a little angel yesterday until suppertime and slept for over 2 hours after lunch the afternoon flew by. Daddy was home before i knew it. It looks promising for having her birthday party there too, we can't technically hire it as it's a charity but we can have the party there and make a donation. Just need to talk to the boss lady who's back on Monday. Want to get it sorted now, was thinking of easy party foods for babies last night when i was meant to be going to sleep.